What will You ask of me?

I have been meaning to write another blog for a good while now, but honestly, I didn’t want to take the time alone (often times hours) to reflect on what God was teaching me. The reason: I like to be in control. And when I spend extended time with Jesus, outside of my normal routine, He reminds me that I am not the one who should be in charge. Shocker, right?

Today, on my drive back to real life from my parent’s house, I was listening to “Christian” music … you know, the new year around the corner, trying to create better habits and He used multiple songs to remind me that He needs to be the one in control. That He does have the best plan and purpose EVEN WHEN I don’t see it or agree with it.

I’m starting with Social Media. He has slowly been prepping my heart … I just ignore Him REALLY well. Facebook drains the life and contentment from me. I sit on my phone or iPad for hours each week scrolling and creeping. Hours where I let Satan get a toe into the door of my mind where I question if God’s plan really is the best for me ... “Will my body ever look like hers?”, “Oh look, my 15th friend to get engaged since October.”, “Here is another soon-to-be Mom.”, etc. The worst part is that I KNOW that social media plays a role in my attitude, but I still choose to spend time on it rather than time with Him, family, or friends.

The verses in Romans 7 come to mind about doing what you don’t want to do and not doing what you want to do. My plan: I am going to limit social media to one day a week. I’d eliminate it completely, but it is the way I keep up-to-date with my Lifegroup, talk to my friends from Africa, and see pictures of my niece and nephew. Instead of those wasted hours, I want to make this a year about intentionally choosing to fill my mind with things that point me to Jesus rather than away from Him.

Second, I’m going to reduce my Netflix intake. Overwhelming burden that the time I spend watching TV/Movies/Netflix is time that I am wasting for His Kingdom. I’m not planning on canceling my subscriptions or throwing away all my DVDS … I’m just choosing to not watch things by myself during the week. Again, I want to make this year about intentionally choosing to fill my mind with things that point me to Jesus rather than away from Him.

While I like my comfortable life of Facebook and Netflix, it doesn’t do anything for His Kingdom. And that is my desire - to make an impact in/for His Name - I just oftentimes don’t know what that looks like. But I am beginning to understand that maybe, just maybe, that is the point. To be willing to do whatever or to go wherever the Spirit leads regardless if I have no idea where it will take me or look like.

And (like always) a song came on the radio near the end of my extended time (drive) that absolutely captured my prayer for this upcoming year. It was able to put into words what my heart and mind could not. The whole song is a beautiful and heartfelt cry, but these words seemed to stick with me the most:

... if I'm honest, there's quite a bit of fear
To sit here ... and really hear You

What will You ask of me?
Will I listen to Your voice when You speak?

Help me to move, help me to see
Help me to do whatever You would ask of me
Help me to go, God help me to stay
… And I know that You're faithful
But I can barely breathe, God help me.

~ God Help Me by Plumb ~

So 2018, I’m INTENTIONALLY choosing to read, watch, say, and do things that point me to the only One who should be in control: King Jesus.

Help Me to Sing Hallelujah

Two weeks ago I wrote down my prayer for this school year:

"He must become greater and greater and I must become less and less." 

Can you believe that it has been just 14 days and I have already fallen away from that?

I can.

It's what happens when I let the situations and circumstances in daily life distract me from what is truly important. I have let current circumstances leave me frustrated and angry. As I was teaching my classes today, I had this out-of-body experience where I saw how my frustration was changing how I taught and interacted with my kids, but I couldn't change my attitude ...

I had a few conversations with co-workers and friends today where I heard myself say, "I don't even know how to act like Jesus with what is happening." I don't know if I said it because I meant it or if I said it because that is what the missionary kid from Africa is supposed to say. I'd like to believe it was the first, but my gut tells me it was the second.

Since I have been fuming for days and choosing to turn to Netflix rather than Jesus, I decided that maybe I ought to spend some time with Jesus to see if He could shine some light on why these first two weeks have been really difficult. On why I have questioned my career choice. On why I have questioned if I ever really was called to education.

After spending the last two hours with Jesus, letting the Holy Spirit groan for me because I don't have any words, He has not only shed some light on the situation - He has given me a renewed purpose and passion. And because I process best when I write (five journal pages later) ... you get to read this post.

I use music/worship songs to cry out to Jesus. And the Lord often uses music to speak back to me. Four songs came on my play list that just captured everything that I needed to hear/say:

1) You are For Me by Kari Jobe. Reminding me that He sees me and that He will never forsake me in my weakness.
2) Savior King by Hillsong Worship. Letting me say that He is my King. I love Him. I worship Him. I give my life to honor Him.
3) Hosanna by Hillsong Worship. Asking that I have selfless faith. Asking for Him to heal my heart, open my eyes, and to show me how to love.
4) Hallelujah by Bethany Dillon. Giving me a new purpose: "Whatever is in front of me, help me sing Hallelujah. Whatever is in front of me, I choose to sing Hallelujah."

I have listened to the fourth song on repeat for the last hour. You should listen to it too.
Click here to listen on YouTube.

I have found that when I groan to Jesus, He groans back. This is what He told me today:

How could you let your current situation take away from what I did on the cross? 

Ouch. 

I'd like to blame my flesh and sinful nature. But I can't. I realize once again that I have missed my purpose and mission. Instead of letting these crazy first days be an opportunity to be His light and point to the cross, I let these first few days turn me into a Pharisee where I was the one yelling 'Crucify Him.' 

Asking for forgiveness is not something I am good at. 

But Lord, this doesn't explain why everything has happened?! And then the Holy Spirit takes me back to Acts 5, page 1841 in my Bible, where I have "*Satan attacks the church from the inside!" written in the margins, and everything suddenly makes sense. 

My leadership team and school faculty have committed to becoming a community. Our goal for this year is to build the bridges to connect the lonely islands that we oftentimes find ourselves on in this world of education. Satan hates community. Because community develops relationships and relationships are the starting point to making disciples. Satan is attacking us from the inside because he knows what we could become together: a place that believes in and positively impacts the future generations.

So as Bethany Dillon's song starts again in speaker, my heart's prayer is simple:

Hallelujah! Hallelujah! Whatever is in front of me, help me to sing Hallelujah. 

Hallelujah! Hallelujah! Whatever is in front of me, I'll choose to sing Hallelujah.

Please join me in prayer as I go to battle for my co-workers and students.  

John 3:30

Tomorrow is the day. A new set of kids will walk through my classroom door.

I find myself sitting on the floor of my room, being awkwardly emotional. Probably a mixture of nerves, excitement, and the fried chicken from our faculty potluck today . . . Lots of questions running through my head: Am I the one they need? Will I be enough? Will I be able to love each of them? When will my patience run dry? Will I be able to give them new grace every day?

But as I sit here thinking, Jesus reminds me of these things: He is the one they need. He is more than enough. He will give me the love, patience, and grace that I need each day.

And so my prayer slowly is shifting away from a focus on self: “Jesus, help me” to a focus on others: “Jesus, use me to reach them.”

I think one of my favorite parts of this job is that Jesus using me looks different for every single kid. It may be a smile, a hug, an inside joke, a deep conversation, attendance to an event, sassy sarcasm, a silly note, or maybe even my love of math. I don’t know, but my hope is that I take every opportunity that I get to show His love.

I always get caught up in wanting to be the inspiring, life-altering, awesome teacher … like John Keating from Dead Poets Society. But maybe that isn’t my purpose. It isn’t about me being the best teacher. It isn’t about me having the coolest activities. It isn’t about me being organized days in advance. It isn’t about me being a PLC leader. It isn’t about me being the funny teacher. Maybe, just maybe it isn’t about me.

Okay. That isn’t a maybe. It is a fact. I have not been given the opportunity to speak life and show love to 140 new students each year because of me. This opportunity has been entrusted to me for His Kingdom.  

So if you want to join me, my heart and prayer for the 2017-2018 school year is John 3:30.

“He must become greater and greater, and I must become less and less.”