No Need To Be Frightened

Recently, I have been spending quite a bit of time reading Young Adults novels. Partly because I teach young adults and want to stay relevant, but also because I absolutely love them! (25 still counts as a young adult, right?!) Most YA novels have the same story line of predictable conflicts & some strange triangle of romance. But a new trend has popped up that I haven't noticed before and that is the idea of a "mate." 

I know what you are thinking: "here she goes talking about romance and complaining about being single." But that isn't what this is about - I promise! 

In these books, this idea of having a "mate" is described as an extremely rare connection. One that is more than love and marriage and having stuff in common. It is a deep, everything about you, everything in you, type of connection. In these books, "mates" are able to communicate through an unseen bond or tether between them.  Almost like they are able to read each other's thoughts and communicate with each other EVEN continents away. I would call them "soul mates" but the modern definition of that seems to not do justice to the connection described in these books. 

After each book, I have sat back and pondered what that would be like. To have a deep, soulful connection with someone. Someone I could connect with/talk to without even having to open my mouth, someone who sees me for exactly who I am, someone I can't hide from, etc. Ten books later, it hits me that I am not just pondering these things because I just finished reading about them ... I'm pondering them because the Holy Spirit is trying to show me something. 

Jesus wants a deep, soulful connection with me. I don't have to open my mouth to speak with Him. He already knows my heart & mind. He has always seen me for exactly who I am, there is nothing that I can hide from Him. 

I think I am terrified of that intimacy. I can be and don't mind being vulnerable with those around me. But to be intimate with the Creator of the world is something entirely different. 

I just finished a book, recommended by my Mommy, called Unseen by Sara Hagerty. (PLEASE READ IT!) The entire idea of the book is about being hidden in a world that loves to be noticed. I want to share a few passages from this book that seem to help explain this idea of hiddenness as well as show why I might be terrified of intimacy. 

This passage describes the author's perspective on how God sees her: 

"He (God) wasn't driving me to produce in such a way that all I saw was the back of His shoulders and His firm gait as He charged ahead of me; He was turned toward me and looking into me with a softheartedness and an ever-unfolding open stance. His face held a gentle expression. Loving expression. Toward me, who was doing nothing for Him." (pg. 21)

The author, Sara, describes how she was always working/serving. God only loved her/saw her when she was being 'productive' in furthering His Kingdom. The passage above shows her change in perspective when she realized that God was not in front of her, back turned walking ahead where her job was to follow behind and be 'productive' in ministry BUT instead He was facing her, loving her, when she was doing nothing at all, being 'unproductive' in regards to Kingdom work. 

I think God is asking me to stop charging ahead and instead, look up at His face. I have served and been 'productive' in ministry for a long, long time. I haven't don't these things because it is my duty/what believers should do. I have served Him because I love Him. God knows that and has been with me every single step of the way. But it feels like He is asking something different now. 

With the new changes coming up in my very recent future (job, place to live, church), the Holy Spirit keeps whispering, "Will you step back from serving and just hide in me? Will you take extended amounts of time and just sit in silence with me? I know that you want to be doing things that feel 'productive' for the Kingdom, but instead, will you take time to speak to me, talk to me, listen to me?"

Sara Hagerty writes,"God designed us to hide in Him, not perform for Him." (pg. 31)

So these YA novels and idea of a mate have brought me back to the Gospel. The Good News that I can live life with Him now. To continually live life in the presence of THE King. A relationship where He knew me before He formed me in my mother's womb (Jeremiah 1:5). Where He delivered me because He delighted in me (Psalm 18:19). 

So why am I terrified of the intimacy He designed me for? Because my flesh screams that if I am not serving Him and being 'productive' in ministry than I am wasting the gifts He gave me/ignoring the purpose He has sat in front of me. I fear that I won't be enough without these acts of service that have always seemed to define my relationship with Him. 

And even as I write that, I see the flaws in that fear. I see the doubt in His grace in those words. I am ashamed and embarrassed that I feel this way. But there is a disconnect between my heart (what I feel) and my head (what I know). 

Jesus knows and sees that disconnect. That is why He is asking me if I will hide in Him. If I will allow Him to use those silent moments, which are 'unproductive' in the world's eyes, to create a deep, soulful connection between us. A connection where He see me, I see Him, and I see myself as He sees me. A connection where we talk all day, about everything, even without opening my mouth. 

In this new, somewhat uncomfortable, season of change, I will cling to the words of one of my favorite songs by Stephanie Gretzinger's: 

"No need to be frightened by intimacy,

Just throw off your fear

And come running to me.

Cause I loved you before you knew it was love

 ... I tore the veil for you to come close."