"He must become greater and greater and I must become less and less."
Can you believe that it has been just 14 days and I have already fallen away from that?
I can.
It's what happens when I let the situations and circumstances in daily life distract me from what is truly important. I have let current circumstances leave me frustrated and angry. As I was teaching my classes today, I had this out-of-body experience where I saw how my frustration was changing how I taught and interacted with my kids, but I couldn't change my attitude ...
I had a few conversations with co-workers and friends today where I heard myself say, "I don't even know how to act like Jesus with what is happening." I don't know if I said it because I meant it or if I said it because that is what the missionary kid from Africa is supposed to say. I'd like to believe it was the first, but my gut tells me it was the second.
Since I have been fuming for days and choosing to turn to Netflix rather than Jesus, I decided that maybe I ought to spend some time with Jesus to see if He could shine some light on why these first two weeks have been really difficult. On why I have questioned my career choice. On why I have questioned if I ever really was called to education.
After spending the last two hours with Jesus, letting the Holy Spirit groan for me because I don't have any words, He has not only shed some light on the situation - He has given me a renewed purpose and passion. And because I process best when I write (five journal pages later) ... you get to read this post.
I use music/worship songs to cry out to Jesus. And the Lord often uses music to speak back to me. Four songs came on my play list that just captured everything that I needed to hear/say:
1) You are For Me by Kari Jobe. Reminding me that He sees me and that He will never forsake me in my weakness.
2) Savior King by Hillsong Worship. Letting me say that He is my King. I love Him. I worship Him. I give my life to honor Him.
3) Hosanna by Hillsong Worship. Asking that I have selfless faith. Asking for Him to heal my heart, open my eyes, and to show me how to love.
4) Hallelujah by Bethany Dillon. Giving me a new purpose: "Whatever is in front of me, help me sing Hallelujah. Whatever is in front of me, I choose to sing Hallelujah."
I have listened to the fourth song on repeat for the last hour. You should listen to it too.
Click here to listen on YouTube.
I have found that when I groan to Jesus, He groans back. This is what He told me today:
How could you let your current situation take away from what I did on the cross?
Ouch.
I'd like to blame my flesh and sinful nature. But I can't. I realize once again that I have missed my purpose and mission. Instead of letting these crazy first days be an opportunity to be His light and point to the cross, I let these first few days turn me into a Pharisee where I was the one yelling 'Crucify Him.'
Asking for forgiveness is not something I am good at.
But Lord, this doesn't explain why everything has happened?! And then the Holy Spirit takes me back to Acts 5, page 1841 in my Bible, where I have "*Satan attacks the church from the inside!" written in the margins, and everything suddenly makes sense.
My leadership team and school faculty have committed to becoming a community. Our goal for this year is to build the bridges to connect the lonely islands that we oftentimes find ourselves on in this world of education. Satan hates community. Because community develops relationships and relationships are the starting point to making disciples. Satan is attacking us from the inside because he knows what we could become together: a place that believes in and positively impacts the future generations.
So as Bethany Dillon's song starts again in speaker, my heart's prayer is simple:
But Lord, this doesn't explain why everything has happened?! And then the Holy Spirit takes me back to Acts 5, page 1841 in my Bible, where I have "*Satan attacks the church from the inside!" written in the margins, and everything suddenly makes sense.
My leadership team and school faculty have committed to becoming a community. Our goal for this year is to build the bridges to connect the lonely islands that we oftentimes find ourselves on in this world of education. Satan hates community. Because community develops relationships and relationships are the starting point to making disciples. Satan is attacking us from the inside because he knows what we could become together: a place that believes in and positively impacts the future generations.
So as Bethany Dillon's song starts again in speaker, my heart's prayer is simple:
Hallelujah! Hallelujah! Whatever is in front of me, help me to sing Hallelujah.
Hallelujah! Hallelujah! Whatever is in front of me, I'll choose to sing Hallelujah.
Please join me in prayer as I go to battle for my co-workers and students.
Hello Kandall Dobbs. I am a Pastor from Mumbai, India. I am glad to stop by your profile on the blogger and the blog post. I am also blessed and feel privileged and honored to get connected with you as well as know you and about your interest in Jesus. I am also blessed to go through your post on "Help me To Sing Hallehijah". Pls. be assured of my prayers as you go to battle for your co-workers and students. I love getting connected with the people of God around the globe to be encouraged,strengthened and praying for one another. I have been in the Pastoral ministry for last 38 yrs in this great city of Mumbai a city with a great contrast where richest of rich and the poorest of poor live. We reach out to the poorest of poor with the love of Christ to bring healing to the brokenhearted. we also encourage young and the adults from the west to come to Mumbai to work with us during their vacation time. We would love to have you come to Mumbai to work with us during your vacation time. I am sure you will have a life changing experience. My email id is: dhwankhede(at)gmail(dot)com and my name is Diwakar Wankhede. Looking forward to hear from you very soon. God's richest blessings on you, your family and friends.
ReplyDelete